On the 10th of January 2006 I had an operation which finally made me physically female. This was a complicated and life threatening procedure known as Gender Reassignment Surgery, or (SRS).  (Isn’t it funny how ‘cosmetic’ surgery can cure a so-called ‘mental illness’?)  Due to the prohibitive cost of this and other items on the list, not many of us make it to the final stage. The Big Op is only the final step in a long journey which typically begins with a traumatic realization that we are different, followed by ridicule and rejection by our friends and families, numerous trips to psychologists and psychiatrists before even getting to see a medical doctor to get hormones. It is at that point where we begin what is called a Real Life Test (RLT). This is where we begin to live as a member of our true gender, sometimes we look very odd and are easily identified—this is why we are called "freaks" and "weirdo’s" and ostracized by a society which simply does not understand. At this point, we can still turn back if we change our minds (why would anybody do that?). Then, armed with psychologists reports, we go see the doctor to begin Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT).

I was once there too.  If you see me now you wouldn’t say it, but I also started out being obvious. Fortunately, with time, hormones and understanding friends and family, you can see the result! The procedure is very expensive in South Africa, but I managed to save about half the cost myself and with some financial help from my mother I finally got there! Thanks, Mom!

The Beginning

I was born on the 1st of February 1973 so that makes me 35 years old. Well, at least I’m fortunate enough to still look in my mid twenties (so everyone tells me!) and in my life I’ve lived two lives.  I started out as a lost little boy who very soon realized when he was sitting on the potty “that shouldn’t be there!” Know what I mean?

Unfortunately, I didn’t live in the new SA we live in now and so I had to bury my feelings and live a lie, first to escape being teased and bullied by school ‘friends’ and later to protect my family from the “shame” and "dishonor" of them having a "gay son".

Isn't it ironic that when we spend almost our entire lives living a deceitful lie being somebody we're not in order to please everybody else, the world loves us? And when we come out in honesty and truth for who and what  we are,

- they hate us for it?

My father died when I was 12, and I’ve lived with my mother ever since. We’ve always been close. When I was 12 I started stealing my mothers menopause hormones and my voice would actually un-break for a few hours! I loved it! But I couldn’t keep it up – I’d be caught out. When I was 13 years old and just starting High School I gave my life to Christ as my lord and savior - but found it quite strange that people calling themselves Christians and claiming to love this same selfless loving God persisted in persecuting innocent people for being born gay or transgendered.  As if we can ever help being what we are born to be! So I had an internal conflict for years at school, struggled with bullying and intimidation for years. Until I had enough and copied the butch walk of a male friend, learned to act tough (although it made me feel like an idiot) so the kids would stop chasing me with sticks at break time and stop calling me “moffie” (queer) and “meisie-gesig” (girlie-face). It was surprisingly easy to do. Over time, I turned out to be a good actor.  It took just one fight (in which I delivered such a hard blow to one boy who punched me first that he apologized the next day) for the bullying to end.  Soon the bullies backed away, they stopped the name calling and I didn't find anymore used condoms thrown into my school bag anymore.  I became a strong young man, liked by the girls. But it was all just a lie. A high wall I built around myself to survive. 

After school I would languish in my bed all afternoon in a pit of depression, crying. I longed to have a sexchange and become the girl I knew I was inside. I was 17 and secretly day-dreamed plans to have the operation, or to somehow, perform it myself. (Not likely as inadvertent suicide wasn’t high on my list of priorities) I finished high school in 1991 and faced having to go to the army in January 1992.  National service was still compulsory then, so I had to go, or face a jail-term. Everybody knows what happens to girls like me in jails, so I had to accept my fate and just go. So I went.  Three weeks into basics, national service was repealed and I felt like an idiot for actually going, and not for the last time either. As I had already been taken into the army, I couldn’t leave. I had to finish my term. Because of the economic climate (as well as more idiotic things like affirmative action) I couldn’t find work, so I stayed on and made the best of it. (I’ve been there ever since, although my job description has changed so many times it does indeed feel like several lifetimes ago!) I studied IT and in 1999 and got my international A+. For 4 years I worked in IT network support before I started a new line in 2004 as a multimedia specialist, doing corporate videos and PR work for the IT department.

Revelations

Back when I was at school there was no internet and personal computing was still at the standalone stage where people would write their own Basic programs. There was little more information available about what I was than in sensational magazine or newspaper articles that ridiculed transsexuals as "freaks" and "perverts" who were compared to a mental illness and went through a great deal of tongue-in-cheek ragging. But I identified with them, despite it all, because I knew inside that is what I was. I was a woman inside and some horrible mistake had been made back at the factory! If only the boring sex-education classes had focused on more pertinent subjects than just the stuff that applied only to straight heterosexual "norms"! Teaching about diversity and tolerance for it does not "spread" it! Enlightenment about people who are GLBTIQ DOES NOT "recruit" others! GLBTIQ are after all BORN and not MADE! If only that information were available back then, what a difference it would have made to my life - and to countless others! After finishing High School I went through a lot of crap in my life, because of lack of information, until finally, I managed to get it all sorted out! At 24 years old I finally knew I wasn’t gay and  I wasn’t a freak. I was transgendered. I was, to use the classic term, ’a woman trapped in a man’s body’.  I knew what I had to do—make a start on my new life, or give in to the fits of depression I had begun to sink into, and eventually, die.

In 1998 I approached a social worker for help and pretty soon I was on a bus to meet a psychologist. This led me to a team of medical professionals, including a social worker, psychologist, occupational therapist, speech therapist and a gynecologist - who put me on hormones! To make a long story short, I began the rocky road of my transition. I re-learned how to walk, pose, speak, and live my life as a functional female. To pass as a woman, it’s important to not come across as a drag queen, because as a theatrical drag queen you want to shock or attract attention. To be a successful woman you need to attract attention for the right reasons — and to pass as just another woman. If you come across as an attractive one, so much the better. 

For some time I struggled on, until I became the woman you see in the images on my site! Hormones and life training take a while to kick in. Let nobody insult me by saying it was easy. It wasn’t. I looked like a man to begin with and had lived as one for 26 years of my life. I had to learn to dress, what to wear, what is appropriate for going to clubs, and what is appropriate for work or for church or for dates. Make-up, day and night make-up, how to do my hair and nails. Personal grooming. I must admit, once I was shown how to do these things it became natural and part of me!

Discrimination

Most GLBTIQ people are no strangers to discrimination and prejudice, especially in the workplace. When I began transitioning I worked in a very masculine sexist environment and faced a great many challenges.  I was met with skepticism and ridicule by co-workers and former friends who voiced their intolerance and questioned whether I knew what I was doing and who made it their mission in life to make me as miserable as possible in the hope that I would resign.  In the beginning when I only started, people would fall over themselves at work to get a glimpse of the "freak show" as I did my rounds! At times I even received threats of violence and as a PC technician at the time certain clients complained to my supervisor that they were not to send "that thing" to repair their workstations again! So that particular client had no service for more than a month until he was asked to apologize. He was much nicer to me after that, although what the bigot thought behind the scenes is anybody's guess. At times my superiors supported me, at times not, but needless to say my sense of humor always saw me through the difficult times. I never allowed a threat to deter me. 

Once I was threatened anonymously by a particular group who stated that if I ventured into their work area there were "plenty of dark corners to sort me out".  I felt that "if I back down for that, I'll back down for anything!" and went anyway, practically daring them to do something about me being there, doing my my job. They never did.  In fact, several years down the line, some of the same big Afrikaans men who still worked there and who were part of that group smiled and waved at me as I passed them by.  I must point out that while I did push boundaries and sometimes practically dare them to fire me for being transsexual, I also followed an open policy of education. To those who expressed interest, I gave as much information as they could take in. I never copped an attitude or got aggressive with people who really genuinely just wanted to know what I was all about. And as people got more information and education on the subject of trans, it slowly became something of a non-issue.  I wasn't a "freak" anymore - I became a person whom they now understood and developed a working relationship with.

Operations

I had my first operation, the orchidectomy on 15 June 2004. This is essentially what you take your dog to the vet for—that’s right—I got fixed. Castration is just one step, but at least it’s a step in the right direction. After this the amount of pills needed to do the job is much less and thus, it also becomes cheaper. The load on the kidneys and liver is lighter and thus it is safer. In short, it’s much better and hey, with less “down there” it’s also easier to tuck! Btw, the cost of the operation was around R2300,00. A local urologist performed it for me for a fee of around R840,00 at the local provincial hospital which cost around R950,00 and the anesthetists fee was about R500,00. (If you saw the inside of the Provincial Hospital you would know why it was so cheap! Luckily I went home the same day.) The pain killers and anti-biotics cost another R300,00. It was worth it beyond any doubt - and the bonus was I didn’t have to endure a lengthy bus trip before and after.

The second operation was the SRS, which I had in Johannesburg on 10 January 2006 at a cost of around R82000,00, including the surgeons and anesthetist, hospital and hotel and transport fees. My final op was the labiaplasty which I had on 21 February 2006. It was all very painful and frustrating, but worth it in the end!

More about Tina:

Qualifications:
Matric: I finished High School 1991. My subjects were English, Afrikaans, History, Geography, Biology, Business Economics. Before matric I also did German, Art and Typing. Math was not enjoyable, so in Std 7 I dropped it for B.E. (P.T. was not a favorite, except for watching the boys in the shower and wishing I could shave my legs without getting bullied for it!) I wrote several poems and short stories which appeared in the school newspaper.  I also directed a school play which got more laughs from the audience than the play that won the event - funny that, innit? Oh yes, I was always in trouble for my longish hair! I managed to hide the nails for longer though ‘cos they hardly ever checked the boys for that!

A+ Certified Computer Technician, October 1999. International qualification from Comptia.

I.S.S. Module 1, nationally recognized qualification in Information System Security. February 2003. (I was the Top Student—Woohoo!)

Other Interests:
Story Writing! I always enjoyed reading stories and science fiction, and always enjoyed writing short stories and poetry at school - but since 2003 I’ve managed to finish writing 8 books of my own! I also compiled a manuscript of around 200 of my poems. These items are for sale on www.lulu.com/tinagirl  . My fathers' books are now also for sale on www.lulu.com/theoengela  . You can find out more about our books there.

Graphic Design! I've always enjoyed art and creativity. I moved into the digital art world some years ago and thoroughly enjoy designing and creating things used for either work or my own uses. I have recently completed a graphic design course using Photoshop CS3!

Music making! - I love to make music on my PC. I use various different programs like Cool Edit, Ejay, Sound Forge, Sonic Foundry Acid etc.  I was also a backing singer in my church worship team band for a while, quite successfully too—I quit because I found myself beating off “groupies” (who resembled Mr. Bean!) at the coffee meet afterwards. Weird!!

Modeling, I completed a basic grooming course in 2003, I finished 2nd in class out of about 15 students. I enjoyed it quite a bit, though I really took it to get a bit of a "finishing school" experience.  Nobody but the owner/instructor knew my little secret! Interesting that, considering I had to change with the girls when doing shows! They also kept guessing my age at around 23 when I was already 30, which certainly boosted my ego a bit!

Favorite radio station—5 FM! Without a doubt! (Actually any radio station that doesn't play half-witted heterosexist bigot hate material!)

Activism for GLBT!:

Since 2000 I have been campaigning for GLBT equal civil rights in South Africa.  Some ignorant halfwits with two or less brain cells  think that if gay and transgender folk get full equal rights  we will somehow magically have more civil rights than they do. This is absolute rubbish! If they were to shift their second brain cells into gear, they would realize that EQUAL means EQUAL! Not MORE, not LESS, but EQUAL! That is why my favorite civil rights slogan is "Anything less is NOT equal!"